Storehouse of Laughter – Chapter 9

肚腸

有未嫁者。偶見父陽物。以問母。々難顯言。曰此肚腸也。既嫁而歸。母念壻家貧。與女愁之。女曰。窮是窮。只落得肚腸好。

Guts

An unmarried girl happened to see her father naked, and asked her mother about his body. Her mother was embarrassed and said: “Those are just his guts.” Eventually the girl got married, and came back to visit her parents. The mother was worried that the son-in-law was poor, and confided this in her daughter. The daughter replied: “He may be poor, but he’s got plenty of guts!”

墜轎底

一新嫁者。中途。轎底忽墜。轎夫相議謂新婦既不可徒行。欲換轎。轉去又遠。女聞之曰。我到有一計。衆喜問之。荅曰。汝外面自擡。我裡面自走。

Bottomless sedan

A new bride was on her way to be married, when the bottom suddenly fell out of her sedan-chair. The chair-bearers conferred with each other, and told the bride that they could not continue. They had to get a new sedan-chair, but it was a long way if they wanted to turn back. The bride heard this, and said: “I have a plan.” They were all cheered, and asked what it was. She said: “You can carry on as usual on the outside, and I’ll stay inside and walk.”

搶婚

有婚嫁女富男貧。男家恐其賴婚也。擇日。率男搶女。悞背小姨以出。女家人追呼曰。搶差了。小姨在背上曰。莫[聽]他。不差不差。快走。

The stolen bride

A man from a poor family was about to marry a bride from a rich family. The groom’s family was afraid that the bride’s family would break the engagement, and so on the appointed day, the groom went in to snatch the bride. By mistake, he grabbed the bride’s maiden aunt. The bride’s family chased after him, calling out: “You’ve grabbed the wrong person!” The maiden aunt on his back said: “Don’t mind them, I’m the right one, keep running!”

呼不好

一新婦初夜。既放進。曰不好。壻曰拿出罷。又曰不好。壻問欲如何。曰。我要拿進拿出。

Not good

A new bride was lying with her husband on the bridal night. When he put it in, she said: “Not good.” He suggested that he pull it out, and she said once again: “Not good.” He was at a loss, and asked her what she wanted. She replied: “I want you to put it in and pull it out.”

解衣

壻勸新婦解衣。婦曰。母嘱我勿觧。母命不可違。夫勸我觧。夫命亦不可違。正沉吟間。壻迫之。婦曰。我知之矣。只觧下截衣。兩盡了罷。

Disrobing

A man was persuading his new bride to disrobe. She said: “My mother told me that being naked is shameful. I cannot disobey my mother. But my husband tells me to disrobe, and I cannot disobey my husband either.” She was in a state of indecision, and her husband was pressing on her, when she said: “I know what to do – I’ll only disrobe my lower garments, and with this I can obey both of you!”

作難

壻初夜。抱新婦云。你父親直恁作難。如今在此了。既行一次。又云。你母親直恁作難。如今在此了。又行一次。復云。你哥子勸也不勸一聲。如今在此了。又行一次。既畢。新婦云。我家嫂々也是不說好話的。

可惜新婦不曾作難。不然還有一次。

Making trouble

A man was lying with his wife on their bridal night. As he took her, he said: “Your father was always making trouble, but today I get my way!” And with this, he thrust once. And again he said: “Your mother was always making trouble, but today I get my way!” And he thrust again. Once more he said: “Your brother didn’t even bother to say a word to me, but today I get my way!” He thrust again, and then was spent. The bride said: “My sister-in-law is also always bad mouthing you!”

It’s a pity that the bride herself was not also causing trouble, else there could have been one more round.

用枕

有嫁女于他[鄉]者。歸寧。母問[鄉]土相同否。答曰。只有用枕不同。吾[鄉]用在頭邊。彼䖏用在腰裡。

Using pillows

A girl was married off to someone from another village. When she came back to visit her parents, her mother asked: “Do they have the same customs in the other village?” She replied: “Only that they use pillows differently. In our village we put them under our heads. Over there they put them under the hips.”

蝦能助陽。子方欲下箸。母遽云這留與父親喫罷。子問曰。父親何故要喫他。母曰我兒子。你直待討了新婦自然曉得。

Prawns

Prawns are said to be an aphrodisiac. At dinner, a boy was about to eat some when his mother suddenly said: “Why don’t you leave these for your father.” The son asked: “Why does father have to eat these?” The mother said: “My boy, you’ll understand when you get married.”

絲瓜

有客方飯。偶談及絲瓜萎陽。不如韮能壯陽。已而主人呼酒不至。以問兒。々曰。娘往園中去了。問何為。荅曰。要拔去絲瓜種韮菜

Gourd

A guest was at lunch, when the conversation turned to gourds, which were supposed to diminish the libido, unlike leeks which fortify it. Soon afterward, the host realized that the new dishes were not coming to the table. He asked his son what was the problem, and his son replied: “Mother has gone to the garden.” “What is she doing there?” “She went to uproot the gourds and plant more leeks.”

嗔兒

夫妻行事。妻樂極。連呼我[死]。兩兒俱在床。大兒聞之。不覺失笑。母慚怒鑿其頭。幼兒曰。打得哥々好。聞娘[死]不哭。反笑。

一說夫婦行事。欲避兒眼。乃卧兒于床閣板上。已而興發。床俱震動。婦連呼欲[死]。兒忽言曰。你們倒不[死]。搖我跌下來。倒是箇半死。

Insolent child

A couple were having sex. The wife cried out in the throes of passion: “I’m dying! I’m dying!” Their two sons were huddled together in their bed. When the elder son heard this, he couldn’t help but laugh. Their mother was furious and whacked him on the head. The younger son said: “Brother deserved it because when he heard that Mama was dying he laughed instead of crying.”

夫婦日間行事。惡兒在傍。乃始往隔鄰王媽々家去耍。兒纔去復來。母嗔曰。你又來怎麼。兒曰。王媽々家也在那裡如此。

Insolent child (2)

A couple wanted to have sex in the daytime, but were annoyed that their child was hanging around, and so told him to go to Auntie Wang’s house next door to play. The son went but then came back. The mother scolded him: “What are you doing back here?” The son said: “Over at Auntie Wang’s they are doing the same thing.”

哭天

一婦聞夫[死]哭天何說。荅者曰。交合時。夫在上。故曰天。婦沉吟久之。悟曰。可知道妻[死]亦有時哭天。

Crying to the heavens above

A wife wanted to know why one is said to “cry to the heavens above” when one’s husband dies. She was told: “In the act of making love, the husband is on top. Therefore one refers to the heavens above.” The wife thought about it silently for a while, and then said: “When a wife dies, one sometimes also cries to the heavens above.”

換床

一翁欲偷媳。々與姑議之。姑云。不妨。今夜你躲[過]。我自有䖏。乃往卧媳床。而滅火以候之。夜深。翁果至。認為媳也。雲兩極歡。既畢。嫗謂翁曰。老賊。今夜便換得這張床。如何這等高興。

一說嘲賣古董者云。嫗代媳卧。翁往摸之。嫗乃夾緊以自掩。翁認為媳。極言譽之。以為遠出婆上。嫗罵曰。臭老賊。舊東西也不識。賣甚古董。

Switching beds

An old man wanted to sleep with his daughter-in-law, but she told his wife about it. The mother-in-law said: “Don’t worry. Hide yourself tonight. I have a plan.” She went to her daughter-in-law’s bed, put out the light, and went under the covers. Deep in the night, the old man actually turned up. Thinking that it was his daughter-in-law, they carried on in bed with great delight. Once it was over, the old woman said to him: “You old rascal. The only thing that was different tonight was the bed. Why were you so much more excited?”

A similar story was said about a seller of antiques. His wife swapped places with his daughter-in-law, and the old man went to feel her up. The old woman wedged him tightly and concealed her identity. He mistook her for the daughter-in-law, and so expressed his delight that she was much better than his own wife. At this point she scolded him saying: “You smelly old rascal. You can’t even recognize something old, and you call yourself an antiques dealer?”

父子論理

翁方偷媳。其子撞入見之。責其父不通道理。父云。有甚不通。你睏了我的媳婦。我怎不睏你的家婆。

Father explains

An old man was sleeping with his daughter-in-law when his son barged into the room. He accused his father of going against all that is right. His father retorted: “What do you mean, all that is right? You sleep with my daughter-in-law, so why can’t I sleep with your wife?”

陰痣

相者云。婦人陰門有痣。必生貴子。一人喜云。果尔。則家嫂乃貴相也。曰。令嫂有痣。兄何以知之。荅曰。家父與房下說。房下與學生說。

Beauty spot

Someone said that if one’s wife has a beauty spot on her privates, she would definitely bear one a son. A man heard this and was glad, saying: “So my sister-in-law will be soon giving our household a son!” “How would you know if your sister in law has a beauty spot down there?” He replied: “My father told my wife, and my wife told me.”

雷打

有客外者。見故[鄉]人至。問[鄉]中有甚新聞。曰。某日霹靂震[死]數人。都是偷媳婦的。其人驚問曰。家父無恙乎。荅曰。令尊無恙。令祖便棄世了。

Struck by lightning

A man was journeying when he saw someone from his home village. He asked if there was any news from home, and the other man said: “One day there was a big thunderstorm that killed several people. They were all men who slept with their daughters-in-law.” The man was shocked and asked: “Is my father alright?” The reply: “Your father’s alright, but your grandfather has passed on.”

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