Storehouse of Laughter – Chapter 5

和尚宿娼

一僧宿娼家。以手摸娼前後。忽大呌曰。奇哉妙哉。前面好像尼姑。後面一似我徒弟。

A monk visits a prostitute

A monk visited a prostitute. When he used his hands to touch her in the front and back, he suddenly cried out: “What a marvel! In the front she’s like a nun, and in the back like one of my disciples!”

問和尚曰。汝軰出家已久。此物還硬否。和尚曰。一月只好硬三次耳。曰。若如此。大好。和尚曰。只有一件不好。一硬就要硬十日。

有人自述一日行房三十度者。傍一老嫗聞之。合掌曰。阿彌陀佛。也抵我門一箇月了。以此嫗配此僧。方是對手。

Erection

Someone asked a monk: “You’ve been a monk for a long time. Do you still get hard-ons?” The monk said: “Only about three times a month.” “If that’s so, then it’s alright.” The monk said: “There’s just one thing – each one lasts for ten days.”

Someone bragged that he could make love thirty times in a day. An old hag standing nearby heard this, clasped her hands and said: “Amitabha, that would last me a month!” This old hag and that monk would be a good match for each other.

春方

或問春藥方何者最効。荅曰。麺觔荳腐二味絕勝。問者訝其妄。荅曰。若不信。只看這些和尚。

至々生曰。和尚何嘗吃麵觔荳腐。只怕還在那裡喫春藥。

Aphrodisiac

Someone asked what was the most effective aphrodisiac. The answer came: “Noodles and tofu – these two are very effective.” He was startled: “How can this be?” “If you don’t believe me, just have a look at those monks.”

鷂子追雀。々投入一僧袖中。僧以手搦定曰。阿彌陀佛。我今日喫一塊肉。雀閉目不動。僧謂已[死]。纔縱手。雀即飛去。僧曰。阿彌陀佛。放生了你罷。

Sparrow

A sparrow-hawk was chasing a sparrow, when the sparrow flew into the sleeve of a monk. The monk grabbed it in his hand, and said: “Amitabha, today I have meat to eat.” The sparrow closed its eyes and didn’t move. The monk thought it was dead and released his grip, whereupon the sparrow immediately flew away. The monk said: “Amitabha, I shall set you free to earn merit.”

和尚私買鰕食。鰕在熱[鍋]中亂跳。乃合掌低聲向蝦曰。阿彌陀佛。耐心。少時紅熱。便不疼了。

Shrimp

A monk secretly bought some shrimp for a meal. The shrimp jumped wildly in the hot pot, whereupon the monk put his palms together and whispered to the shrimp: “Amitabha, have patience, in a short while you will turn red, and it will hurt no more.”

強盜頭

人問強盜頭如何剃。荅曰。剃伴爿的。曰。原來兩箇強盜頭。只抵得一箇和尚。

Bandit’s head

How do you shave a bandit’s head? The answer: “Shave only half of it.” “So it takes two bandit heads to match up to one monk.”

追度牒

一縉紳遊寺。問和尚喫葷否。曰。不甚喫。但逢飲酒時畧用些。曰然則汝又飲酒乎。曰。不甚飲。但逢舍岳妻舅來畧陪些。問者怒曰。汝又有妻。全不像僧家。明日當對縣官說。追你度牒。僧曰。不敢欺。前年賊情事發。已追[過]了。
近來僧家。五戒若掃矣。此僧尚守一不妄語戒。

Revoking the license

An official visited a temple, and asked the monks if they ate pungent vegetables (forbidden to Buddhist monks). They said: “Not too much, but once in a while to go with our wine.” “And you drink wine?” “Not too much, but only when our wives and in-laws come for company.” The official was furious and said: “You lot have wives, and call yourselves monks? Tomorrow I will report this to the county court, and have your ordination licenses revoked! ” The monks replied: “We don’t want to lie to you. After last year’s banditry case, they were already revoked.”

尼庵

一僧往尼庵借宿。尼拒之曰。小庵甚窄。且是女僧。不好相留。僧曰。我是凈身僧也。無妨。尼乃納之。臨寢。尼問僧曰。汝等凈身後。還長出些否。僧曰。如不修仍要長。尼曰。長幾何。僧曰。一年長一寸。尼曰。汝幾年不修了。僧曰。約有七八年。尼合掌曰。阿彌陀佛。勾了。

Nunnery

A monk went to seek accommodation at a nunnery. The nun tried to fend him off, saying: “This nunnery is very small, and we nuns are women, so it would not be good to accept you.” The monk said: “I am a eunuch monk, so there is no danger.” And so the nun let him in. As they got to the quarters, the nun asked the monk: “After you were castrated, does it grow back?” The monk said: “If one does not cultivate oneself, then it will.” The nun asked: “How much does it grow?” The monk said: “An inch a year.” The nun asked: “How long have you not cultivated yourself.” The monk said: “About seven or eight years.” The nun pressed her palms together, and said: “Amitabha, I get it.”

鬼迷

一道士[過]王府基。為鬼所迷。頼行人救之。扶以歸。道士曰。感君相救。有一●邪符。聊以奉謝。

Possessed

A Taoist priest was passing Wangfuji (place name?), when he was possessed by a spirit, and needed to be rescued by passers-by. When he was brought back to safety, he said: “I thank you gentlemen for saving me. Here are some magical talismans as a token of my thanks!”

廚子

一廚子調羹。主家嫌其味不隹。乃曰。似你家這副竈頭。可調得好羹出麼。

Cook

A cook was serving up food, when the householder complained that the taste was lacking. The cook replied “With a stove like this in your house, can that comes out of it taste good?”

主家宜荅云。似你這箇廚子。可用得好竈頭麼。

The householder could have easily replied: “Would a cook like you even know how to use a good stove?”

有廚子在家切肉。匿一塊于懷中。妻見之罵曰。這是自家的肉。何為如此。荅曰。我忘了。

Cook (2)

A cook was cutting meat at home, and hid a piece in his pocket. His wife saw this and scolded him: “This is meat from your own home! Why do this?” He replied: “I forgot where I was.”

茶酒

或慕蘇州有天池茶三白酒甚隹。特買舟來訪。悞投一村落索飲。則惟老葉湯。酸白酒耳。訝曰。久慕蘇州如何有此惡茶惡酒。荅曰。近來風俗變了。要好茶酒正是難得。

Tea and wine

Someone heard that extremely good tea and wine could be found in Suzhou, and so specially hired a boat to seek it out. By mistake, he landed in the wrong village for their search, and could only find soup brewed from old leaves and sour vinegar wine. In shock he said: “Suzhou has long been famous, how can there be such horrible tea and wine?” The answer came: “Fashions have recently changed. If you want good tea and wine, it is now hard to find.”

酒店

一人上酒店。見店中無客。喜其清凈。已而店主出。急取索縛客于柱。客訝曰。買酒飯喫。何為見縛。店主曰。我若乞火去時。怕你又走了。

Inn

A man went to an inn. Seeing that there were no other customers there, he liked the peace and quiet. At that point, the innkeeper came out, and hurriedly brought out a rope to tie the customer to a pillar. The customer was shocked, and said: “I’m just getting a meal here; why the rope?” The innkeeper replied: “I was afraid that when I go to start the fire to cook, you might leave.”

漁婦

呼所愛曰。我的肉。此通稱也。漁舟夫婦交合歡甚。婦抱夫頸呼曰。我的魚。

Fishwife

When proclaiming one’s love to another, one commonly says: “My flesh!” On a fishing boat, husband and wife were merrily together. The wife hugged her husband and exclaimed: “My fish!”

媒人

有𤵚背男子嘱媒人曰。我寧捐厚聘。必欲擇一美婦。事成。許以厚謝。適一女亦病𤵚。而嘱媒亦如之。媒陰為兩家說合。及何卺。相見。各詫曰。不成事矣。媒曰。不妨。試取鋤來。乃置鋤于中。而令二𤵚東西倚之。指曰。這不是箇水字。

Matchmaker

A hunchbacked man instructed a matchmaker: “I am prepared to pay a huge bride-price, but I must find a beautiful wife. If successful, you’ll be rewarded richly.” By coincidence, there was a hunchbacked woman, who had also hired this matchmaker. The matchmaker paired the two together but kept their condition a secret. When they finally saw each other at the nuptial ceremony, they were both shocked and refused to proceed. The matchmaker said: “Wait a moment.” She brought in a hoe, stood it up vertically, and told them to both to lean on it. “There, doesn’t that look like the character shui (water)?”

有憂貧者。或教之曰。只求媒人足矣。其人曰。媒安能療貧乎。荅曰。随尔窮人家。經了媒人。口就發跡了。

Matchmaker (2)

A man was worried about being poor. Someone instructed him: “Just ask the services of a matchmaker.” The man said: “Can a matchmaker really cure poverty?” The reply: “Any old beggar becomes a rich man after meeting a matchmaker.”

中人

玉帝修凌霄殿。偶乏用。欲將廣寒宮典與人皇。因思中人亦得一皇帝方好。乃請竈君下界議價。既見朝。朝中訝之曰。天庭所遣中人。何黑如此。竈君笑曰。天下那有中人是白的。

凡媒人醫人之類随意可換。

Courtier

The Jade Emperor fixed up the Palace of Virtuous Mist. Because he rarely used it, he wanted to rent out the Moon Palace to a human emperor. He thought that having an emperor in his court would be nice. And so he asked the Kitchen God to descend to the mortal world to discuss the terms of the lease. When he went to the (mortal) imperial court, they were shocked and said: “Why has the heavenly court sent a courtier who is as black as you?” The Kitchen God laughed and said: “In the mortal world, is there any courtier who is white (pure)?”

The same joke could be made of matchmakers, physicians, and the like.

老翁

老翁與嫗行房。嫗恥其寬。以手向後撮緊。翁苦陽萎。亦以兩指夾之塞進。嫗嗔之。翁曰。你打後手。我怎不用些搭頭。

Old man

An old man and woman were in bed together. The old woman was ashamed that she was too loose, and so used her hand to pinch it tighter together. The old man was worried that he was too soft, and so wedged it between two fingers and shoved it in. The old woman complained, and the old man said: “You held it from the back, so why can’t I support it from the front?”

老翁續娶一嫗。其子夜往竊聽。但聞連呼快活爽利。子訝曰。吾父高年。尚有此老本事乎。及細察之。乃是命嫗抓背。

又老翁冬夜醉卧。置脚爐于被中。誤[爇]其腿。早起罵鄊鄰曰。我老人家多了幾杯酒。睡去了。你們後生家。難道燒人臭也不聞得。語亦可笑。

Old man (2)

An old man remarried, taking as his wife an old woman. His son snuck around to eavesdrop one night, but heard cries of pleasure and excitement. The son was shocked and said to himself: “The old man’s still got it in him, even though he’s an old codger.” But on a closer look, it turned out that he had only asked the old woman to scratch his back.

Another old man went to bed drunk in the winter, and brought a brazier under covers with him. He burnt his leg, and the next morning went to scold the neighbors: “I’m an old man and had too many drinks and fell asleep. But you are young people! Couldn’t you smell the burning flesh?”

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